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Showing results for tags 'joke'.
Found 11 results
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I have watched the 1st hour of the proceedings to Approve Kavanagh is the next Supreme Court Justice... What a joke the left is making out of this process..... They're just digging the hole deeper for the mid terms..... They look like idiots..! CL
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The power of makeup!!!
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and God looked down . . . Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good. So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath. Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world. #8 Life is sexually transmitted. #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing. #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. #2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your rear end tomorrow!
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Temptation An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: 1. A Bible; 2. A silver dollar; 3.A bottle of whiskey 4. A Playboy magazine "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up." "If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! "If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. “But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. "And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold. "Lord have mercy on us all,” the old preacher whispered. "He's gonna be a politician."
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In honor of the Presidents Day February Holiday... I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, What day is tomorrow?" Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!".. She's smart, so I asked her, "What does Presidents Day mean?".. I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc. She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull Sh-it." You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
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In church I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just have to share it with you: Dear Lord, This has been a tough four to five years. You have taken my favorite actor Paul Newman. My favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor. My favorite singer Whitney Houston. And now my favorite author Tom Clancy. I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid. Amen."
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A Welder dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says, 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you. 'Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Welder sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but Congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Welder? 'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!' The Welder is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.' 'That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets.'
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ4hmKGKjbM
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MEDICAL UPDATE Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need A blood transfusion! This is good to know. MEDICAL ALERT Australian Medical Association researchers have found That patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving Chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men more cocky and the women lay better. Just thought you'd like to know. BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED, FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT! Okay, I'll be going to my room now.
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Subject: SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em! We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her into the back yard!' The cab driver hit a parked car.
