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Showing results for tags 'Adult'.
Found 8 results
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Colonoscopy... Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy; on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating. As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me. "I haven't got an erection," I replied. "No, but I have," replied the nurse. Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco h.a.n.d.
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Dad and the Teenager I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed that he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. "I got drunk once and had s-ex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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my new job Someone asked me, "...And now that you are retired, do you still have a job?" I replied, "Yes - I am my wife's sexual adviser." Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what exactly do you mean by that?" "Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my "f-n" advice, she'll ask me for it."
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The Story Of Nookie Green... An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church... 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had an affair with Nookie Green twice last month.' The Priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go fourth and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the Confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last Confession. I've had an affair with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the Priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?' 'A new Woman in the neighborhood,' he replied. 'Very well,' sighed the Priest. 'Go forth and say ten Hail Mary's.' At Mass the next morning, as the Priest prepared to deliver the Sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous Redhead entered the Church. The eyes of every man in the Church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the Priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes. The Priest and the Altar Boy gasped as the Lady in the green dress with matching emerald-green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, The Priest turned to the Altar Boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?' The bug-eyed Altar Boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply, 'No, I don't believe so Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'...
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I do find a bit of truth here - - - how about you? IRISH WEDDING At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled.... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your miserable life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death... SEX Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …...................A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband. New Book A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short units?" She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "That's the one; I'll take a copy…" Poor Lance Armstrong - I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my fricken bike. Drive By A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick ...tard!! The Agony of Aging On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his unit with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back". SCAM Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "MyFavorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed. Pregnant Prostitute Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" "For heaven sakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?" Sex Research (could be handy) If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome! The meaning of life in 13 words…… “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the frick happened”
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An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?" He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
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When you are over sixty who gives a sh-it? This a$$hole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?" I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out." *********** I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." *********** I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"? I said, "Yesterday." *********** I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. *********** I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. " When you are over sixty who gives a sh-it?
