Hi Learning all I can,
I'm deep on opinion. And this subject is the closest thing to my truth as I can know it right in this moment. I want to be real with you, but I am hesitant only cuz I know this could irritate people and when I say irritate I mean shaken. but I do want to talk about it. be cautioned that these are my opinions I am not saying this is "your religion" or that this is "your way". Half of me is saying, "Nooooooooo" don't share this"! This is something that I do not have the end too, and I have searched, and searched and searched for the meaning of this life. And I do know that I have done things that I know NOW that should not have been done, but I also don't regret it, because I wouldn't know what I know now. So when I say I have "no regrets" I actually mean it. I had a friend who didn't believe me when I made that statement. He said, "Bullshit!", Everyone has regrets! and I said not me and I am serious. Because that year in 2013, I had my own "awakening". I had been arguing with "God", I was so low that I challenged this force outside of my self to a duo. I was cocky. I was challenging God because it was all I had left. The gist was something like, why am I here? why the **** did you send me here? I already learned all the suffering, do you have MORE types of suffering, is that it? Cuz if that's the case lets just fn end it right here, I started listing out loud while arguing with God all the **** that he gave me to experience (by the way I was raised Baptist) like anger, rage, anguish, denial, shame, guilt, violence, fear, pain, despair, rejection, real lonliness and everything under the sun. I said what the **** else you got for me, because if its suffering MORE..., then **** you i want to check out!! And in that moment (btw at this point im physically on the floor with my heads in my hands pushing my skull to the floor to equalize the pressure), In that moment the answer was there as fast as I said it. And it wasn't epochal or anything, but it was like "you will have this lesson again if you give up now". And in that moment I know this is the crazy part so im gonna preface with this statement: that this all could be a truth or a lie! ok so the disclaimer is right there. and oh btw, every story is always colored with an added filter every time it is told. so this is still not what happened in that moment, so this is not the original story. But for color here goes; I was outside of my body, I was looking down at myself, on the floor bent over just purging all that emotion, and I realized I couldn't feel it, I could not feel the emotion... the energy behind the feelings, Nothing total detachment..... I was at peace. A peace i never ever experienced before... When i got back in my body, I realized for the first time in my life that I was not my emotions. I had always attached emotions to things, and got to experience the sensation of no emotion!! All of the sudden I had a reason to keep going, and a big one, in that, from that point and forward I KNEW that on the other side of this veil im a ninja with magic powers (my humor) seriously though I realized that I had been given insight even if its a crazy story, the take away is I walked away with information that was of immense value! like I struck gold value. but that feeling didn't last too long, just cuz you get insight doesn't mean its over, cuz now you have to know how to keep those emotions from attaching to the pictures in your mind, and so I had to work on purging, some Baptists say that you have to get down on your knees in a closet and put your hands together and be by yourself in true repentence to God so you can be forgiven. But I learned that we have to forgive ourselves ourself. He or She, God, Source, Monad, Creator, Sun, can not forgive you. The source of power comes from within you and through you, we are conduits, and its by releasing pressure through honest self analysis that you get insight. There are angles of sight that you get to tap into by asking questions but ultimately, it comes from you. i'm not clinging on to any one religion, to me I see the metaphors, so its different for me, I see the language is layered with meaning, I do read all sorts of books religious, philosophical, physics, natural science, chemistry, I have an actual library which I love. My current read is The Light of Egypt by Thomas Burgoyne, Because I want to know the question of how not to come back here to hell. I believe heaven and hell is now in this life and that you create it by attaching emotions to feelings and then marrying those to your thoughts and then it actually happens as a projection in front of us. we create the shitshow. I know this because I have done everything wrong and watch it give me the corresponding lesson. for clarification my lessons are in hind site.
So that's really where i'm at in this long walk. Purging all those emotions that don't serve my higher self. Like Control, that one was really hard. Oh but about the Taoist, I asked myself this question...it went something like this, again the filter analogy, devil in the details!... but the gist was, How do I do the opposite of what ive been doing? So every question I would ask was where is the opposite. For example I know there is bad I am living proof, but in order for the "bad" to exist there has to be an opposite. so what is "good"? Every decision became, "ok I know this looks terrible but where is the other truth?" cuz if im seeing this one point of view it has to literally be connected to another angle that is 180 to it, which does include the spectrum between those two points of duality. on the left side I have "evil sex" _______________________"sacred sex" that line between evil sex and sacred sex is my 180 line. and that line also represents the gradations or angles or parallax of general sex which will fall somewhere on that spectrum between 0 and 180, under and over and on all axis, anyways, so I somehow came across the book while asking these questions and read Mantak Chias book and also a bunch of other stuff, to include a lot of Taoist stuff, but the initial idea of sacred sex came from them and I learned that men saved their seed, now I didn't realize how why they saved it until I followed the path of Santos Bonnacci who is a syncretist. and he has a list of his favorite books and I ended up buying some, one was George Careys "The tree of life", which would blow your mind. In it he explains the power of the glands and what your optic thalamus does, and what some of the verses in the bible mean, and it shed a lot of light. I love esoterica now. its my favorite thing. Anything that is hidden im immediately drawn too. The Occult. it literally means "hidden". Now this is where you might would say, "oh she's practicing witchcraft" and I would agree with you, kind of, but not like what you think. Cuz in my opinion we are all practicing it. Some of us, most of us, don't know were doing it. All I know is I want to live the best possible life from here forward, I know what not to do, so now, im just seeking its opposite and while on that journey I have had really wonderful insights. Sex is the hardest for people to overcome, well at least for me anyway, still is at times. so I hope by the time i leave this physical body that i have disciplined my self enough to at least control the animal nature and tap into the divine human (this is what the "light of Egypt" is about, he is really deep, deeper than walter russel in my opinion.)
I am monotheistic and poly. it just depends what perspective I need at that time to serve me. I am abstaining from sex to heal, cuz I've only ever misused and abused it. and I know I have to change face... im also trying to become a fruitarian but that is proving harder than the "no sex" rule.
and I still run off at the mouth but that's because im wearing heavy dross. Still purging. but way better than ever, so that's the good news.