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FlyHi

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Everything posted by FlyHi

  1. Must fly....catch ya'll tomorrow Oz time
  2. When girls don't put out!! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.
  3. Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
  4. Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant. Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him. Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession Dave: - Oh? What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home? Dave: - Er ... mmm ...... well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Dave: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden. Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family? Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Dave: - Yep! Five times a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often? Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate! Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Dave: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate. Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Stuart: - What's that then? Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Stuart: - Nope Dave: - Well then, you're a wa$#er
  5. Always wear clean underwear in public,especially when working under your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car breakdown in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the car. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones....... Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching. The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead
  6. An Australian preacher addressing his outback congregation said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Henry, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Henry replied "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Henry's ear, placed his other hand on top of Henry's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Henry, how is your hearing now?" Henry answered, "I don't know. It ain't until next week."
  7. On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pint of prawns, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of Champagne . When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten prawns dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for afew days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The home help quit.. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 50% th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ..... .. and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods! I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
  8. Terrorist Threat Levels - by John Cleese THE ENGLISH are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. THE SCOTS have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. THE FRENCH government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate", The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. ITALY has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." THE GERMANS have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." BELGIANS, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. THE SPANISH are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. AUSTRALIA , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled." FINALLY, CANADA is at "That's not nice and please stop" threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to never raise the level any higher so not to offend the terrorists.
  9. A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his father when they could discuss his use of the family car. His father said that he would make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks, his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up quite nicely, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair. Dad's reply: 'Did you also notice that all of them walked everywhere they went?’
  10. Sadly all too true even among the guru's A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time. ~~~ I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! ~~~ I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. ~~~ A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do." ~~~ My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. ~~~ Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. ~~~ I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. ~~~ On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
  11. Vaseline survey: A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?' She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.' 'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?' 'We use it for sex.' The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?' The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.' And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke....! Shame on you
  12. Q. What do your parents' car and testicles have in common? A. Hit either one of them and you're grounded!!
  13. 'Why Our Great-Grandparents Had Fond Memories Of Their Youth...' (I'm surprised they remember anything!!) A bottle of Bayer's 'Heroin'. Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine. It was also used to treat children suffering with a strong cough.. Coca Wine, anyone? Metcalf's Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the market.. Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment. Mariani Wine. Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of it's time. Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time. He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.. Maltine. Maltine Coca Wine was produced by the Maltine Manufacturing Company of New York . It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal. Children should only take half a glass. Opium for Asthma: At 40% alcohol plus 3 grams of opium per tablet, It didn't cure you, but you didn't care... Cocaine Tablets (1900). All stage actors, singers, teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to 'smooth' the voice. Cocaine drops for toothache. Very popular for children in 1885. Not only did they relieve the pain, they made the children very happy! Opium for newborns. I'm sure this would make them sleep well (not only the Opium, but also 46% alcohol)! It's no wonder they were called, 'The Good Old Days'!! From cradle to grave... Everyone Was Stoned!!!
  14. UP noun, verb, adj, adv, prep. Read until the end ... you'll laugh. This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v]. It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We callUP our friends, brighten UP a room, polishUP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car. At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP! Oh . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? U P! Did that one crack you UP? Don't screw UP.. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . .. . or not . . . it's UP to you. Now I'll shut UP
  15. Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates." About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama Moral: Never lie to your mama.
  16. A win for an Aussie blond or is it?? Lucy, a blonde city girl from Sydney, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Lucy, the insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. Would you show him where the cow is when he gets here? Lucy says okay so the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Lucy takes him down to the barn, they walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another Aussie dizzy blonde, the man asks: Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be inseminated?' That's simple. By the nail over its stall', Lucy explains very confidently. Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'
  17. amazing stamina BJ....you keep kicking goals...post after post after post...and everyone a winner
  18. Sorry saw them in PNG recently...called Gumi bands....they are broader and made for tropical conditions....Maybe they will snap in the freezing cold of a Canadian winter
  19. Do you know they have invented long life rubber bands just for you BJ ....they don't do snap, crackle or pop but they are for flexible bent minds
  20. Thanks for the great Moody Blues link...beautiful music and great video clip for its day. But hey the Title "Ride My See-Saw " is a tad suggestive the for screwball brains trust we have here!!!
  21. Hey we are PG rated here so had to fix the intentional mistake.....
  22. Wow BJ a great tribute indeed!!
  23. Ding.....ring any balls... bells??
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