delta22

A teacher's story about Stuttering A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, Asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty And the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start And before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl. My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," But before she could say ****!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE Please Read all the way to the bottom: If you will take the time to read these, I promise you'll come away with an enlightened perspective. The subjects covered affect us all on a daily basis: They're written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy........ I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows. I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day. I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world. I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right. I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child. I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way. I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with. I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult. I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.. I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I 've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds. I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile. I've learned..... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss. I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away. I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.. I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. I've learned..... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life. I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. To all of you.... Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence. Although it is not National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK MY FRIEND!!!!!!

In church Sunday, I over heard the lady in the pew next to me saying a > short private prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share > with you. > > Dear Lord, > > This has been a tough 12 months ... You have taken my favorite actor > Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress Farrah Fawcett, my favorite musician > Michael Jackson, my favorite salesman Billy Mays and my favorite athlete > Steve McNair. > > I just wanted you to know that my favorite president is Barack Obama. > > Amen!!

The Sack Lunches I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good book to read. Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought. Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a conversation. 'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me. 'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we're being deployed to Afghanistan After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time. As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to base' His friend agreed. I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.' Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you like best - beef or chicken?' 'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first class. 'This is your thanks.' After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane, heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars. Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, an said, 'I want to shake your hand.' Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers. Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm. When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another twenty-five dollars! Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.' Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could only give them a couple of meals. It seemed so little... A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.' That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.' May God give you the strength and courage to pass this along to friends on your email buddy list.... I JUST DID

Dear Lord, I thank You for this day, I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an under- standing God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.. And give me the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those that will delete this without sharing it with others. I pray for those that don't believe. But I thank You that I believe that God changes people and people change things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes; that they are out of debt and all their needs are met I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it in Jesus' name. Amen!

I never thought I would live to see the day that a president would actually make Jimmy Carter look good.

Naseer Goldfinch ? What an Egyptian Jew posted this from Iraq ?

I have to call Bravo Sierra on this one! The little I do know about law and the Feds,is not just any citizen can fill out a generic requuest form and serve it. The whole process has too be approved by a judge before any information is released. They (the feds ) are not going to release any information to someone just walking in the door, and who did they serve ,the receptionist ? This whole post smells like bad fish in Denmark .

THE ITCH Once upon a time, there liMved a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Earl the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Earl revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Earl to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Earl readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Earl would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Earl to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Earl the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Earl worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Earl left satisfied and was hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Earl found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King,Earl couldn't have cared less and with a laugh told him to 'get lost'. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Earl. The moral of the story............. Pay your Doctor bills A Real Woman A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... No wait... Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that ****. Never mind. A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500..00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. You know you're going to send this one on. The Queen's Riddle Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice, the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one...." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, " Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Sarah Palin answered back, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!" Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!" ....AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON , D.C. Georgia Declares War on the USA . President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama," a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish shack down here in Valdosta, Georgia, and I am callin' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on ya!" "Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!" Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Archie?" Barack asked. "Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor." President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke." "Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya." Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. ”President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war." "I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners.." GEORGIA CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN If you are a REAL GEORGIAN, you won't even need to be told to pass this on . The year is 1947 Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born: Albert A. Gore, Jr.. Hillarious Rodham John F. Kerry William J. Clinton Howard Dean Nancy Pelosi Dianne Feinstein Charles E. Schumer Barbara Boxer See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses? I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me. No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens! "REMEMBER....POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

Thanks for the laff. I am forwarding this to my wife on second thought better not. What I think is funny usually lands me in the doghouse for a week or so.

Mamarabbit,I dont care where you posted your request.The important thing is it got thru and many including myself are earnestly praying for you. God Bless you and keep you safe.

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh.... It is all true! Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 And heading towards 70 or beyond! 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?' 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 4 PM. 9.. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list. And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience. Forward this to everyone you can remember right now! AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING: Never, NEVER, NEVER , under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night! "Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, but you know they are always there

Atheist,unfortunatly Brother that is true,but we aren't perfect,only human and it's in the trying that we overcome. God Bless you.

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue....... Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me up." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed. Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea and did not swallow. He didn't touch me! Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache. When you open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints. When he sees you are living what you read, he flees!! And when you are about to re-post this message, he will try and discourage you. I defeated him!! Will U!! Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil. It has no point. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Love this one! If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!! A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "GOD was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me." The classroom erupted in cheers! THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING!

A sad day for downhill skier Lindsey Vonn...... I find this so sad. She truly earned this medal... American Lindsey Vonn has had to forfeit her Gold Medal on Friday, April 1, 2011. The International Olympic Committee announced today that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to U.S. President Barack Obama. Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because no one has ever gone downhill faster than he has.

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left." Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid!

census form They sent my census form back!! In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependents?', I put ....... '12 million illegal immigrants, crack heads, unemployable persons, the cast of The Jerry Springer Show, 140,000 people in our 133 penal establishments in California , leftovers from Katrina, half of Mexico , and most of the House & Senate. ................. Apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer....

Hey Brother,I totaly agree.Lets take it a step further though and get rid of the UN contributions. I think that letting them stay in New York is contribution enough. Then make them pay their traffic fines,that would go a long way to getting NYC out of the red.Man there is just so much waste that ticks me off and crumbles my cookie I better stop now or I will have cariltunnel or whatever they call writer's cramp on a computer. Really I would love to see the UN gone from our shore and stuck on some lousy Island somewhere.

These are all the programs that the new Republican House have proposed cutting. Read to the end. Corporation for Public Broadcasting Subsidy. $445 million annual savings. Save America 's Treasures Program. $25 million annual savings. International Fund for Ireland . $17 million annual savings. Legal Services Corporation. $420 million annual savings. National Endowment for the Arts. $167.5 million annual savings. National Endowment for the Humanities. $167.5 million annual savings. Hope VI Program. $250 million annual savings. Amtrak Subsidies. $1.565 billion annual savings. Eliminate duplicative education programs. H.R. 2274 (in last Congress), authored by Rep. McKeon, eliminates 68 at a savings of $1.3 billion annually. U.S. Trade Development Agency. $55 million annual savings. Woodrow Wilson Center Subsidy. $20 million annual savings. Cut in half funding for congressional printing and binding. $47 million annual savings. John C. Stennis Center Subsidy. $430,000 annual savings. Community Development Fund. $4.5 billion annual savings. Heritage Area Grants and Statutory Aid. $24 million annual savings. Cut Federal Travel Budget in Half. $7.5 billion annual savings Trim Federal Vehicle Budget by 20%. $600 million annual savings. Essential Air Service. $150 million annual savings. Technology Innovation Program. $70 million annual savings. Manufacturing Extension Partnership (MEP) Program. $125 million annual savings. Department of Energy Grants to States for Weatherization. $530 million annual savings. Beach Replenishment. $95 million annual savings. New Starts Transit. $2 billion annual savings. Exchange Programs for Alaska , Natives Native Hawaiians, and Their Historical Trading Partners in Massachusetts . $9 million annual savings Intercity and High Speed Rail Grants. $2.5 billion annual savings. Title X Family Planning. $318 million annual savings. Appalachian Regional Commission. $76 million annual savings. Economic Development Administration. $293 million annual savings. Programs under the National and Community Services Act. $1.15 billion annual savings. Applied Research at Department of Energy. $1.27 billion annual savings. FreedomCAR and Fuel Partnership. $200 million annual savings. Energy Star Program. $52 million annual savings. Economic Assistance to Egypt . $250 million annually. U.S. Agency for International Development. $1.39 billion annual savings. General Assistance to District of Columbia . $210 million annual savings. Subsidy for Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority. $150 million annual savings. Presidential Campaign Fund. $775 million savings over ten years. No funding for federal office space acquisition. $864 million annual savings. End prohibitions on competitive sourcing of government services. Repeal the Davis-Bacon Act. More than $1 billion annually. IRS Direct Deposit: Require the IRS to deposit fees for some services it offers (such as processing payment plans for taxpayers) to the Treasury, instead of allowing it to remain as part of its budget. $1.8 billion savings over ten years. Require collection of unpaid taxes by federal employees. $1 billion total savings.WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Prohibit taxpayer funded union activities by federal employees. $1.2 billion savings over ten years. Sell excess federal properties the government does not make use of. $15 billion total savings. Eliminate death gratuity for Members of Congress. Eliminate Mohair Subsidies. $1 million annual savings. Eliminate taxpayer subsidies to the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. $12.5 million annual savings Eliminate Market Access Program. $200 million annual savings. USDA Sugar Program. $14 million annual savings. Subsidy to Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD). $93 million annual savings. Eliminate the National Organic Certification Cost-Share Program. $56.2 million annual savings. Eliminate fund for Obamacare administrative costs. $900 million savings. Ready to Learn TV Program. $27 million savings.. HUD Ph.D. Program. Deficit Reduction Check-Off Act. TOTAL SAVINGS: $2.5 Trillion over Ten Years My question is, what THE HELL is all this doing in the budget in the first place? Send to everyone you know.

Thanks Brother ,now that was some funny sh*t. Still laughing .

Great Post Easy thanks. But I must be the only idiot here cause no one else is asking.WTH is meant by feminine ? I have seen this term in several article's and posts but for the life of me I can't figure out WTH it means. Some one please help.

Hey Rockstar,I was there from 06/07/2004 thru 09/2007.From Anaconda to Diamondback/Marez and then TQ. Bought the bulk of my dinar in that time frame.I must say I sure am glad I wasn't aware of any Dinar sites cause it would have made me crazier than I already am. Now I am in Kuwait and because of all the Hoopla I bought a couple more here. Oh by the way your Cherokee flag is welcome anytime.

> ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS > > Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! > > Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. > > A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary > submitted this: > > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my > interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a > little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a > 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. > > The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term > adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to > safety....?? > > WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I > loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I > was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and > pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of > electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. > > AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot > is on the face of her microwave. > > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it > couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? > > There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting > little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really > needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. > > I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and > then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to > give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want > some assurance that it would work as advertised. > > Am I wrong? > > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses > perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and > Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock > and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause > muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst > would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of > water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. > > All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, > less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA > batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' > > What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. > > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side > so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from > such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give > myself a one second burst just for heck of it. > > I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... > > HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! > > I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the > recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over > again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with > tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere > to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, > and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard > before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously > in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the > living room. > > Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of > caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! > You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a > violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be > considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was > a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had > left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on > the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet > or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples > were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, > and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. > Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, > and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, > which I believe came from my hair. > > I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for > their safe return! > > PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now > regularly threatens me with it! > > If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!! > A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and she was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that in which she had participated and on the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth, and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she has a hang over." Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA, and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party." A married couple walked in to a souvenir store in Jamaica . The Jamaican man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!" While driving in slow-moving traffic the other day and the car in front of us had an Obama bumper sticker on it. It read: "Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8". My husband's Bible was lying on the seat of the car and he got it and opened it up to the scripture and read it. He started laughing and laughing..... then he read it to me. I couldn't believe what it said; I had a good laugh, too! Psalm 109:8 "Let his days be few; and let another take his office. " At last - I can voice a Biblical prayer for our president! Please share this scripture. An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7. A lady had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short period of time . Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. 1.)The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'! Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: 'Good till the last drop'.. Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. 2.) The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans' Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size' She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. 3.) The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town . Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words ' Emirates Airlines' Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for EA. The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.' Mom fainted ! Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.. The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tu esday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong" What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? =0 A A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe". How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? < /div> Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time .." - A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t..... lights a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.' I pretty much vote this my favorite email joke of the year....