Qman Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 I know that some of you can relate or know someone like this.........No names ...... Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture... funny stuff. You will laugh - guaranteed! ENJOY!! I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!! Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-*****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left. Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Woolies . I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RicknSaudi Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 Too funny Qman. I have to ask, are you an Ozzie? Only asking because some of my new teamates here in Dubai are from Australia and have mentioned shopping at the Woolies chain. Go RV around the world baby! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Qman Posted April 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 Too funny Qman. I have to ask, are you an Ozzie? Only asking because some of my new teamates here in Dubai are from Australia and have mentioned shopping at the Woolies chain. Go RV around the world baby! Arizona Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farmall Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 Yeah you are right, I laughed! Thanks for posting I have begun looking for your daily posts to get the day started with a laugh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WildCatFM Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 Been there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dinarella-X Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 OMG You are so funny! Have a good day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8887 Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 You bring back a host of bad memories! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anonmouse013 Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 (eyes watering from laughter) That made my morning - my spouse will read this later... and wonder if that was "my" story. When informed that is was not - the proper reply will be: "You men are all alike" My usual pithy response is: "And?" I coined a phrase while Christmas shopping with the soon-to-be spouse back in the early 80's. We all know how crowded the malls are during the shopping season - and how rude people are... So... being well practiced at the art of controlled pressure relief thru manipulation of the orbital muscle, I decided to "drag one across" the multitudes of people as I vainly attempted to transgress thru the masses of sheep - albeit with a huge grin upon my face. My better half was close enought to catch a bit of the concussion of the primary realese, spun around, and, well - she knows "that" grin too well. She asked "What are you doing?" I replied "Crop dusting" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moose 57 Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 Jalapenos hold nothing on having to eat beaver meat to survive! (I'm talking the 4-legged) Beaver is very rich (that's what they feed sled dogs) It is good though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darin Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 Spicy chili can be the devil... Add beans & beer, and you have one explosive combination!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crewboss Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 Been there done that! I have lockjaw from laughing so hard! Thanks for a great start to my day! Imagine being in an airplane when that same scenario hits! Go RV, someday! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePeoplesChamp Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 +1 Q-man You really got the niche for awesome funnies brother. Laughed so hard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ckh Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 OMG! Too Funny! My friend used to love to play this "game" with some of his similarly juvenile co-workers... They would often try to 'let one' in the elevator, trying to out-stink each other, just before the doors open, during lunchtime ~ when the traffic in the elevator is heavy... they'd leave, You walk in, the doors close, the smell hits... and there's no escape! Much more fun reading your post than riding those elevators!! good incentive to take the stairs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudahLioness Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 I laughed until I cried...can't wait to share with others and provide them with the medicine of laughter. BTW, hope there hasn't been any aftershocks... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
txk9popo Posted April 17, 2011 Report Share Posted April 17, 2011 That has got to be the funniest thing I have read in years, Still lmao, Thankyou I needed that!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts